Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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