The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
