oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize