You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize