My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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