Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
