D3 body, D1 cock
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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