the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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