Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize