You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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