After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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