I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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