I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
