I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Semen is not good for contacts.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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