I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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