I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
