He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
