I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize