I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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