I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
