I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
