you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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