So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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