Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The uberlube is also flammable
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize