Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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