She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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