thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
