He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
