at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
