There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
