I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
