We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
