I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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