His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
