this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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