Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Never joke about your clitoris.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize