sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
