Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
