I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It's official drugs can't kill me
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
