You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
did i just pee glitter
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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