My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
