i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Small penises have feelings too.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
