just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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