Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize