Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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