Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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