Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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