There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We got so high we made milksteak
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
