The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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