Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
