Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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