wakey wakey hands off snakey
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
