I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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