She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
