i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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