If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
