If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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